Anyone remember Myth? At one point in time, he was putting folks together to do some writing and send out a newsletter. Well, he convinced me to do some writing before the project fizzled.
Since I don't have anything else to do with it, I'm posting it here.
Cheers....
Interview with Shargal
It was with some trepidation that I traveled to Goblintown to meet with the Illustrious Shargal. I was expecting something along the lines of rabbit heads being bit off, random grunts of “urgle, unk fee gah…” and décor along the lines of chairs made from the bones of lws. It was a pleasant surprise to be greeted with a cup of tea, a plush leather chair, and a tastefully decorated room, overlooking the western ocean. Though still attired in classic orctown attire, Shargal made every effort to be friendly, even donning a smoking jacket and offering a puff on his pipe. His cultured speaking tones seemed to fit right in with the soft music of a bard playing in the background.
Ester: Good morning, first let me say, thanks for doing the interview.”
Shargal: Thank you Miss Snodgrass, it’s always pleasant to sit down and clear up those unfortunate misconceptions that so many people have concerning orcs.
Ester: Ah, yes, I see. This is a lovely room. Did you decorate it yourself?”
Shargal: Yes, I once had hopes of being an interior decorator, but it was not to be. The call of the orc armies as the Wolf Gate opened was constantly heard echoing across the lands when I was a child. There’s nothing like its lilting crank to stir the soul of any warrior.
Ester: I’m sure our readers would be interested in hearing a little bit about your childhood. What can you tell us?
Shargal: I was born and bred in northern orctown. If you listen closely, you can still hear a touch of the accent in my speech. My brothers and I were raised by our loving mother, and not so loving father. School was focused on army preparation. You know, I excelled in the shouting and stomping courses. But the one that got me where I am today, was the class I took my final year entitled “General Mayhem.”
Ester: So even orcs have daddy issues. What about interpersonal relations, is there a Mrs. Shargal on the horizon?
Shargal: [Chuckles] Now now miss, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.
Ester: But I’m sure our readers would be interested. [note to all interested parties, Orcs seem to be particularly resistant to fluttering eyes.]
Shargal: Well, one hint perhaps. There is a lady up north, whom I have been having over for supper a few nights a week. The fact that she has a child, isn’t that big of an issue. He frequently seems to running through the forests anyway.
Ester: Speaking of forests, we’ve all noticed the changes in your armies, what started all this?
Shargal: Well Miss Snodrgrass, as you probably know. Orcs had a bad time of it there for a while. Our children were being murdered by interlopers. Our womenfolk slain in their kitchens, and our armies were being literally decimated by unjustified beheadings and jabs. The suffering of our people went on in silence for centuries, our appeals to the divine fell on deaf ears, and our streets ran with the blood of the innocent, who had never set foot outside of our halls.
We finally decided enough was enough. Our public education system was given a massive overhall. The existing heads of state were overthrown, and the incompetent were… replaced. A new training system was put into effect.
Ester: Replaced?
Shargal: Replaced.
Ester: [Given the subtle baring of teeth, and the hand closing around the scimitar as Shargal sipped his tea, I abandoned the subject rather swiftly] “Can you tell us a little about the training program”
Shargal: I’d be delighted to of course. We begin with archery training, combined with effective use of poisons. You may have noticed, that there are many fewer adult orcs than young? The youth are given weapons, and told to practice amongst themselves. Deaths among trainees, are merely expected. Of course, for the poison sessions we do provide a modicum of guidance. Orcs aren’t natural pickers, so poison deaths can get rather expensive if we have to replace the stores every time.
We have a few young orcs to watch out for. They’re becoming quite a cohesive fighting force. I’m rather proud. They hold parades in the streets to work on their marching skills, and sack and pillage the occasional structure to keep the citizens defences sharp.
Ester: What do you see on the horizon for orctown?
Shargal: Why, Miss Snodgrass, world domination of course. Even now, our armies are amassing at the Wolf Gate. We shall not be stopped. The forests will burn, the animals will be slaughtered, and even the very earth shall be salted. Would you care for a bit more sugar in your tea?
Ester: No thank you, but I’ll have some of that lemon if you wouldn’t mind.
Shargal: Certainly. We also have plains to flood the rivers with sewage from our cesspools, thus rendering the fish non-entities. Additionally, we plan to raze the cities, and grind the cobblestones into dust beneath the heels of our armies.
Ester: Well, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. It has certainly been enlightening.
Shargal: Thank you Miss Snodgrass.
After the official interview was over, we finished our tea, and before the generals escorted me out, Shargal, honest to goodness kissed my hand, and invited me over for supper one evening with himself and his lady friend. His refreshing attitude, and civilized demeanor has done wonders in terms of restoring the orc armies. This is one impressive man to watch for generations to come.
